#LTB: August 31, 2019
I was SOO focused on being told I didn’t deserve love because I’m fat (it wasn’t my first time having to hear those word) that I completely stopped thinking about the OVERFLOW of love that I receive because of my size and not despite it. I have been reminded of how truly loved and adored I am. I’m not the first person who has this story. I won’t be the last.
I spent so much time trying to convince myself and other people of someone else’s worth as they worked to diminish my own I had to BOSS UP! It’s not easy. Some days all I can hear is that voice cutting me down because of the way I look, for years. But in that time and now SO many other words were said to me to build me up!!! I work hard to remember those words. To remain focused on the positive language that was and continues to be poured into me. Surviving abuse is difficult and a fight that doesn’t stop.
I’m no longer going to be silent (I was for so long, because of wanting to protect other people but that’s not my responsibility and it never was). I will not MINIMIZE myself for the comfort of ANYONE around me. I have since traded in shame for adoration. The memories still haunt me. But I am glowing and growing.
It was and still is so painful, each and every single day, but I needed that lesson. I needed to be lied to, manipulated, gaslit, and emotionally abused. I need to be faced with fat phobia in my own home on such an intimate level that it tore me from the inside out. I needed to feel like I was damaged beyond repair. I needed to unlearn what I thought was love. I needed to see it for way it was, abuse. I needed to be forced to make HARD changes in my life to elevate me! I needed people to doubt me and my story. I needed to see who would play what role in my life. I needed people to say to me about my abuser, “She would never do that; she’s a good person...” and “I’ve never heard her say anything like that.” I needed all of that because someone else needs my story. I needed to show that you can and will survive. It’s your time love. Speak up. Speak out. You’ve held it in for too long!
#AHealingFatGirlSummer
